


St. Elmo's Fire

by osmalic



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Community: blind_go, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-05
Updated: 2008-05-05
Packaged: 2017-10-13 15:11:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/138711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osmalic/pseuds/osmalic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bodies are important, Hikaru realizes, but he also recognizes that having a stream of consciousness is more significant. After all, when you lose your body, you only need to want something so much that you get to stay, right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	St. Elmo's Fire

When Hikaru first farts in front of Sai, the ghost is scandalized, screaming at him about inappropriateness in front of social peers.

"But we're together _all the time,"_ Hikaru whines. Then, accusingly, "You can't even _smell_ it."

"That is not the point of this conversation!" Sai screeches.

It's only been three days, but it's the breaking point of their relationship. Sai isn't just a ghost hanging out with Hikaru and yacking about _go._ From then on, they are _friends._

***

When he is younger, Hikaru is callous and asks, "When you first became a ghost, did you realize you _were_ a ghost?"

Sai wrinkles his nose, but they are past boundaries. He answers, "A little."

"You're more than a feeling, right?" Hikaru asks. Then he rushes on, "Because you like _go_ too much that you had to stay. You're not going to become evil. I mean, because you might not get what you want? Right?"

Sai frowns, moves to answer.

"And you won't hurt _me,_ right?" Hikaru asks, now really worried.

"Hikaru," Sai says, then giggles. "I'm sorry," he apologizes at Hikaru's thunderous glare, "only...well, I stayed with Torajiro for _years_ and sometimes I know he's worried but he never asked me that. Perhaps he was fearful I might brood too much on the reason and become evil."

"You're not like all the ghosts I've ever seen on TV before," Hikaru admits.

"I haven't met any ghost like me before," Sai confesses. Then asks, tentatively: _"Tere...bi?"_

***

Bodies are important, Hikaru realizes, but he also recognizes that having a stream of consciousness is more significant. After all, when you lose your body, you only need to want something so much that you get to stay, right?

He tells Sai this, after they finish their impromptu play in the park. Mothers and guardians have already pulled their children away from the strange boy playing by himself and yelling, "Not fair, you _said_ I'd get extra points if I get the snowball through your face!"

Sai sits next to Hikaru in his room, peering over his shoulders so he can better see the words on the classical book Hikaru is holding up. "Um," he says, still distracted by the possible sounds a _kanji_ can have. "Um. Yes, I suppose that's true."

"So you're changing here, right?" Hikaru persists. "What if what you wanted in your entire life turns out to be...not what you wanted in your entire life?"

Sai seems to be rousing out of his daze and staring at him. "Huh?"

"Like," Hikaru says eagerly, closing the book with a soft sound. "Like. What if you want something _else?"_

"What else is there to like other than _go?"_ Sai asks, confused.

And suddenly, Hikaru's body is flushed, cold and hot at the same time. He looks down. His throat his dry. He wants to say, _Me._

But maybe Sai catches on, because he touches Hikaru's head, his face, his hand. He says, "If prayers are heard, and it is something I'd want more than _go._ I will pray as I prayed in that river for that wish to be granted, even if I am selfish." He pauses. "Sometimes, prayers are granted, yes?"

"Yeah," Hikaru breathes out. He hopes prayers in this lifetime still work as they did one-thousand years ago. "Yeah."

***

Hikaru thinks losing Sai is like losing a limb. People get used to having something, then an accident happens and it's gone.

The problem with over-analyzing something about a ghost is that there are too many books with notes that never tell him a reason. Sai is _real,_ he's a _person,_ but he is more inclined to play _go_ than to want anything else.

A stream of consciousness, a ball of contained memories and desire that makes him the ethereality of a human being, because the skin, bones, muscles are gone. Maybe they also strip away everything that made Sai whole, shaped him into a human form full of visions and passion for _go,_ that everything else that made him _Sai_ one-thousand years ago has passed on.

But losing Sai makes Hikaru think that maybe they both didn't want to be together strong enough. Wishes can be granted if the desire is there, hadn't that been the point?

Maybe Sai lost a part of what made him himself when he became a ghost, so he couldn't make a wish hard enough.

Maybe it had all been up to Hikaru to pray harder, to strive harder, to want something _other than go._ Maybe if he had gone to that river, maybe if he had offered to the gods, maybe if he had wanted it hard enough, Sai wouldn't have disappeared.

Or maybe Sai had wanted to leave so much that...

Hikaru was never enough for him to _stay._

***

Hikaru knows he is still being haunted.

Only this time, the ghost never speaks.

***

But there are days when he walks by the playground and he sees a lonely set of footprints lying as if they danced on the snow. He remembers Sai making fun of his own ghostly body, making him throw snowballs and giving Hikaru points, Sai being fascinated with plastic fishes and music videos, Sai sharing an umbrella with him.

Sometimes he's angry because no one will ever remember a person who is more than a name on the Internet, more than _go._

Sometimes, though, sometimes. Hikaru steps on the lonely set of footprints, packs a snowball between his palms, hurls it to the empty air, and prays as if someone will answer.


End file.
